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How to cope without hockey

We here at "And now..." Industries know that the loss of the National Hockey League for an undisclosed amount of time is hard on you, the sports fan.

And we're here to help you cope with this tragic and unnecessary loss.

So, with little thought put into this, here are ways for you, the sports fan, to cope without hockey.

1. Video games. We know that hockey is a vital and important sport in the American sports landscape and no where is that any more evident than in the video game console market.

EA Sports, ESPN-Sega and others have game out there now, or in the near future, that will help you cope. Most of the games are well-done, thoughtfully orchestrated and realistic enough to put you in the action.

One simple way to help get your aggression out on those you believe are the cause of your loss of hockey is to rename some of the players with NHL and NHLPA talking heads. Commissioner Gary Bettman can be a goalie that you pump in 40 goals on or a weak-handed defenseman that you can school endlessly. Or, better yet, make him a weak-fisted goon that you can pummel into submission as you skate gloriously to the "sin bin" for five for fighting.

You can also put the NHLPA President, whatever-his-name-is, in there also and have at it. Fun for the family.

2. Boycott these fuckers. Another way to show your displeasure and get some money back in return is to not snatch up those bargain-basement priced merchandise the teams are putting out there now.

Yes, that San Jose Sharks jersey is on sale and you've always wanted one, but... (What, there is no sale. You mean everything is still full priced! Fuck them... er...) sorry.

Anything that can lead to a profit for either side should be boycotted, that includes the video games, too. Well, maybe just one...

3. Support your local minor-league teams. Some may say that minor league sports are more fun to watch, because you know you aren't dealing with cry-baby millionaires who have the money in their pockets and you are watching those who are fighting to become one of those cry-baby millionaires we just mentioned.

You're right. It is more fun -- and cheaper, too. Many of these teams struggle to say afloat in this economic times and what better way to show your support for them -- and get your fix on -- than to buy a few tickets and enjoy the games.

In the Northwest, there is the Western Hockey League -- major junior hockey -- in several locations in Washington state (Seattle, Everett, Spokane, Tri-Cities) and one in Oregon (Portland). The rivalries between these teams is just a fierce and hated as those in the NHL, unless you are the New York Rangers. Everyone hates the Rangers.

4. Try those skates on yourself. If there isn't a minor league team in your area (aka California), there has to be a recreation hockey league somewhere. Most NHL cities have some, started by the teams themselves, and would love the additional bodies to fill up teams or get more teams started.

The equipment may be a bit expensive, especially if you are stuggling in these economic times, but imagine the joy on your face and in your heart as you glide onto the ice for your first day of hockey participation. Just watch out for the goons, OK!

5. There's always the NBA. Really. Let's get completely serious here. We're talking hockey, not basketball. We don't need silly ideas in this presentation. So, concentrate here...

6. Spend time with the family. OK, apparently you can't be serious with this, now can you? We can take the family to a minor league game or play video games with them or just enjoy each other's company, but what is the fun in that? You are a sports fan, not a family fan. That's why you watch sports -- to help you avoid your family. Jeez, really.

So, until we can get our crack staff here at "And now..." Industries to shape up and fly right, we'll sign off. Remember -- Support your local sports writer. Gag a youth sports parent.

Good afternoon.

(c) R. Burns